The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Insightful strategies for strengthening and maintaining a thriving marriage.
Summary of 7 Key Points
Key Points
- Enhancing Love Maps to know your partner better
- Nurturing Fondness and Admiration
- Turning Toward Each Other Instead of Away
- Letting Your Partner Influence You
- Solving Solvable Problems
- Overcoming Gridlock on Perpetual Issues
- Creating Shared Meaning
key point 1 of 7
Enhancing Love Maps to know your partner better
Enhancing Love Maps involves developing a detailed understanding of your partner’s inner world, their likes, dislikes, worries, and dreams. It’s about knowing the fundamental aspects of your partner’s personality and having a grasp of the details of their life that are important to them. This principle suggests that couples create a solid foundation for their relationship by being genuinely interested in the nuances of each other’s lives. Knowing your partner deeply is likened to having a detailed map of their favorite cities; it implies you understand the terrains of their experiences, the paths to their happiness, and the areas that cause them distress. This depth of knowledge fosters intimacy and friendship, which are crucial for a lasting relationship…Read&Listen More
key point 2 of 7
Nurturing Fondness and Admiration
Nurturing fondness and admiration is presented as a pivotal principle in stabilizing and enriching a marital relationship. The emphasis lies in the power of maintaining a culture of appreciation and respect, even in the face of challenges and disagreements that inevitably arise in any relationship. The idea is not to overlook faults or disagreements but to approach them with a fundamental appreciation for one’s partner. This principle is articulated through the lens of viewing one’s spouse with an emphasis on their positive attributes, thereby cultivating a sense of gratitude for their presence and contributions to the relationship. It’s about focusing on the strengths and qualities that attracted one to their partner initially and that continue to be admirable. This mindset fosters a climate of respect and affection, which is crucial for the longevity and satisfaction in a marriage…Read&Listen More
key point 3 of 7
Turning Toward Each Other Instead of Away
Turning toward each other instead of away is a foundational concept that speaks to the heart of maintaining a strong, lasting relationship. This principle emphasizes the importance of how partners respond to each other’s bids for attention, affection, and support. A bid could be anything from a verbal request to spend time together, a nonverbal gesture seeking emotional connection, or even a look that expresses a need for support. Turning toward these bids involves acknowledging and responding to them positively, thereby fostering an environment of mutual care and understanding. This is contrasted with turning away, where bids are ignored or met with hostility, leading to feelings of neglect and emotional distance…Read&Listen More
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Letting Your Partner Influence You
Letting your partner influence you is one of the fundamental principles for a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. The concept involves genuinely taking your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and opinions into consideration, and allowing these insights to impact your decisions. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything your partner says or thinks, but rather that you show respect for their input and are willing to be influenced by their perspective. This approach fosters a sense of teamwork and shared power within the relationship, which can lead to stronger, more collaborative decision-making…Read&Listen More
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Solving Solvable Problems
In addressing solvable problems within a marriage, a highly methodical yet compassionate approach is advocated. The emphasis is on understanding that not all problems within a marriage are deep, unsolvable issues but rather disputes that can be resolved through effective communication and mutual understanding. This perspective encourages spouses to identify and distinguish between perennial issues, rooted in fundamental differences in personality and lifestyle needs, and solvable problems, which are more situational and less entrenched in the core identities of the individuals involved. By focusing on the latter, couples can make tangible progress in their relationship without becoming bogged down by more complex, unchangeable issues…Read&Listen More
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Overcoming Gridlock on Perpetual Issues
Perpetual issues, according to the perspective in the book, are the fundamental differences between partners that arise from their unique backgrounds and personalities. These are the issues that are not solvable due to the deep-seated nature of the fundamental beliefs and needs that underlie them. Rather than being resolved completely, they require management and understanding. The author suggests that the way to overcome gridlock on these issues is to move from a position of entrenchment to one of dialogue. This involves both partners learning to appreciate their differences and find a way to live with them rather than eradicate them…Read&Listen More
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Creating Shared Meaning
Creating shared meaning within a marriage involves constructing a deeply understood, shared narrative of your relationship that encompasses your values, dreams, and roles. This principle, as detailed, isn’t merely about agreeing on surface-level desires or interests but delving into the profound and sometimes unspoken understandings that both partners hold about what their marriage represents. It underscores the importance of rituals, goals, and roles that a couple develops over time, which serve not only as a foundation for their daily interactions but also as a compass during times of conflict or stress. These shared elements become the bedrock of the couple’s unique culture, distinguishing their relationship from others and fostering a sense of belonging and purpose…Read&Listen More